In his bi-weekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
Dear Men,
It’s ok to be wanted and not needed. Let me clarify. We have been conditioned and partly genetically programmed to be protectors, providers, supporters, leaders, etc. I am an advocate for us fulfilling those roles. We have been purpose built for this. From our very creation, we were made with particular design features that support the tasks to fulfill. It is in fulfilling these roles that we find part of our purpose and gratification. In short, we need to be needed.
However, your importance in life is not merely what you can do. Your mind, presence, ideas, perspective, and feelings matter. Your voice should be heard and respected. The emotions you experience are valid. Not only that, but those emotions exist and are real. They are part of who you are and help you understand the world around you. You have just as much right to talk about what you are going through as anyone. How you see and interpret the world adds value and diversity to it. You have answers to problems and are part of the solution to obstacles. Do not get so caught up in doing that you stop being. You are an integral component of the human experience and interconnectivity within relationship frameworks. Your disposition can do more than a physical activity could ever amount to. Your smile can ignite a chain reaction of joy. Your heart can move the world. Be around those who want you there and not just need you. Remind yourself that you are, and that’s enough.
By all means, you must show up. But be mindful of who you show up as. Do not let anyone devalue your existence or relegate you to a function or series of tasks, you are not a machine. Do not see yourself as only having worth in what you bring to the proverbial table. See yourself as having value in how you shift the atmosphere in the room. Society has continued to condition us to believe that the only way we can be loved is through our deeds. The “what can you do for me” mentality is ruining our self-esteem, self-image, and ultimately our self-worth. We have been conditioned to believe that being loved is conditional, that it is contractual and transactional. Let me remind you that you should be loved because you are a person, a human being, a life. Beyond that, people in your sphere should love you because you are in their lives.
If we dig a little deeper, we realize that before love can be transferred, it must be rooted in ourselves. We must first love ourselves unconditionally. We have all made mistakes and will make them until we leave this earth. Life has given us unexpected twists and turns, hills and valleys, trials and tribulations. These episodes do not tell the whole story of who we are, and they do not determine who we can become. Remember that you are not your past; it does shape you but does not define you. YOU define you and you can redefine who you are so that you can become who you want to be. You must love yourself enough to begin making the changes you want to see and setting the boundaries you need to protect yourself from abuse. Unfortunately, we are manipulated into creating certain realities and beliefs about ourselves because we lack self-love. We want so desperately to be accepted that we think being needed is the only way to gain it. This underscores the idea that we must do things rather than be things to be of any importance to others.
When you reprogram your mind and begin to understand that you are worth more than what you bring to the equation, you begin to shift the atmosphere. You will no longer be used and tossed to the side when that usefulness has been exhausted. Be warned that this transition does not come without pain of its own. People will be revealed to you that you will have to disconnect from. Others will voluntarily walk out of your life. There will be loss but count it all joy because they are not meant for your future. You are now making room for the right people, situations, environments, and opportunities to make themselves available to you. This is the reward: peace, unconditional love, support, encouragement, joy.
This discussion is not to absolve you of your responsibilities. This is not a “get out of jail free card” type of enabling. You still need to protect, provide, nurture, support, love, and care for the people in your life. However, this is not what makes you great. You are great, you are important, you matter because you are here in this time and space. Your impact cannot only be measured by the completion of tasks. The heart you freely give to those you cherish will be your legacy. Hold your head up, stand tall, walk into your power and your future. It is yours.
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.
Visit thecasualword.com.
Editor’s Note: Opinion articles do not represent the views of the Virgin Islands Source newsroom and are the sole expressed opinion of the writer. Submissions can be made to visource@gmail.com.
