In his bi-weekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory.
We have talked extensively about responsibilities to others, showing up, supporting, mentoring, etc. I know that I have been emphatic, and sometimes brutally honest about where we are as men and where we need go. We have more opportunity than many of us realize to change our homes, neighborhoods, communities, and ultimately the world. We think it too far-fetched to look that broadly and at that scale, however it only takes the effort of ordinary people to bring about extraordinary change.
I believe most who frequent The Lounge or listen to my other messages, podcasts, and videos know that I am serious about not bailing on our roles or our obligations. Tighten up, grow up, and take care of things that you need to manage. There are far too many men out here “living their best lives” with total disregard for significant others, children, and peers. The example you are setting is being emulated by the next generation. We complain about those coming behind us while simultaneously being the reason their ethos exists.
But I digress. Today, we are discussing a part of self-love, healing, responsibility, accountability and self-obligation that is critical to our positive transformation. We have spoken about this previously in “Be Thankful for the Separation” (July 21, 2024). Not everyone in your life is meant for your future. Not everything you have now (career, material things, habits) can be taken with you. Sometimes separation will be forced upon you and you will have no ability to stop it. Some doors must close for others to open. My mother used to tell me all the time that “you can’t receive anything with closed hands.” Likewise, many of you have heard me say that you can’t be filled with what you need while your cup is full of junk.
I recently saw a post that read “men, it’s ok to leave her if she isn’t reciprocating the effort”. This got me thinking, again, about how society tries to force us to stay in situations we no longer need to be in. Not just romantic relationships but with the wrong job, wrong friends, wrong business partners, wrong calling. Because we are supposed to be tough and emotionless, it is assumed that we should simply endure. This could not be further from the truth. You were never meant to be a doormat.
The truth of abuse from women is becoming more exposed and more mainstream, but it still isn’t talked about enough. Being degraded and abused at work is also being talked about in some circles, but the laws that are in place aren’t being enforced and many of our “oppressors” look like us, with titles and quasi-authority. Prisons and news outlets are plagued with people who were connected to toxic and manipulative friends, or is that very person destroying lives that nobody within that circle wanted to call out and hold accountable?
One lesson I have learned the hard way is in conjunction with doors being closed for you, you also must be willing to close some doors yourself. These transitions are never easy but always necessary. There are people in your life right now that you question, loyalty, intentions, effort, character, etc. You see some things that have made you wonder if it is a positive relationship. Your eyes are beginning to open, and the veil removed from the façade of what you thought was for you. It is ok because not everyone is meant to go where you are going or go with you in general. As you have heard me say, recognition and awareness are only half the equation. Now, you must act.
Be prepared for those who want to keep you where they feel comfortable to judge, manipulate, and guilt you into trying to stay. Let me say that this behavior should be the proof you need to walk away. Anyone who wants better for you is going to celebrate your growth and encourage you to keep going, not try and hold you back. You must believe the person you see and not be blinded by who you hoped they would become. Muster the courage to disconnect from anyone and anything keeping you from moving forward.
Moving forward, there may not be any physical mobilization. You may not be changing jobs, starting a business, moving to a new city, or even separating households from your significant other. Moving forward may mean being more assertive with your boundaries, not letting people use or misuse you. It may mean believing in yourself even when you have no support. It may mean loving yourself more and beating yourself up less. Perhaps you need to detach and disconnect from negative thoughts.
Regardless of the changes that need to be made for you to continue to become the absolute best version of yourself, many of them you will have to facilitate. You will need to take inventory, reevaluate, pivot, adjust, disengage, and distance yourself for your development. Know that it is perfectly appropriate to step away from anything that is destroying your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love. You ARE NOT obligated to stay where you are not celebrated (for doing the right things), respected, encouraged, or poured into. You can make the choice to change what you allow, so you can allow change to take place.
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.
Visit thecasualword.com.
Editor’s Note: Opinion articles do not represent the views of the Virgin Islands Source newsroom and are the sole expressed opinion of the writer. Submissions can be made to visource@gmail.com.
