Dear Coach Paradise,
I am in my 50s, and I can’t believe how old family stuff just doesn’t want to die. To be more specific – I am going on a trip to celebrate the birthday of a family friend. My brother is going to attend this celebration, too, and we will both be in the same city for several days, though I am staying a couple of days longer than he is.
In making plans for our time there, my brother made it clear that he had already made plans for dinner on the first two evenings – on both occasions with friends that I know and like. He made it clear that he wanted to see them alone. I felt unwelcome, left out and hurt. When he asked if I wanted to make plans to do something with him during the day I said, “Let’s play it by ear” because I was angry and, I guess, was trying to punish him for being mean to me.
After my initial reaction, I was able to understand and accept that some people are one-on-one people and that carving out one’s territory is a mode of operating that some people need. I also realize that getting angry and punitive didn’t feel good and that I do want to have a good relationship with my brother. Any suggestions?
This is really bothering me.
Signed,
Sister in Distress
Dear Sister:
It is amazing that your letter could (save for the spelling and vocabulary) have come from a kid or a teenager who was left out of a game or stranded on a park bench while big brother went off with his gang. Nothing like that old-time music for setting us dancing to old, and often negative and hurtful, tunes. I must acknowledge you for being conscious enough to see what is going on and for deciding that you no longer want to be an unwitting participant.
Sounds like you are hearing different tunes and are writing a new song-and-dance act. Perhaps this is an act that you and your brother can take on the road – or at least on your upcoming trip. You are asking some profound questions here that hinge on the idea that we can choose who we want to be and how we want to show up – no matter what the old tapes are saying and no matter what templates have become habits of behavior.
In your message you spoke of feeling left out and unwelcome – a victim of sorts. The feelings of anger and the desire to punish go hand in hand with victimhood as we see everyday on the front page of every newspaper.
You sound like you are reaching for a higher ground and a way to connect with your brother. I would suggest that since you know firsthand what it feels like to feel unwelcome and left out that you make it your top priority to be welcoming and inclusive, no matter how your brother acts.
I am not saying that a conversation and airing of feelings might not be a good idea, but this is not really necessary for change to occur. This is because the change has to occur in you.
When you become welcoming and inclusive yourself, the world will reflect this back to you and create a wonderful loop in which like begets like. You will model how you want to be treated in how you treat others (the golden rule forever). Look at the arena of family dynamics as a rich field from which you can reap many, many lessons.
The good thing about family is that you remain connected and generally get to try it again. Despite the power of old patterns, it is possible to shift your attention to what is good and positive and to how you want things to be and through doing that to create a new world to play in.
I hope you are planning to invite your brother to join you on an outing or for a meal and that you will give him a big hug and make him feel welcome. I can tell that you have better things to do than sulk and continue the sandbox fight.
Bon voyage,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355 or email her.
