Dear Coach Paradise,
My husband is a workaholic with a restaurant. He is hardly ever home and gets called in at the last minute on his only days off. I can see lots of ways that he could change how he does things so he would have more time for me, make more money and be happier and healthier, but he won’t listen.
I am pissed off, feel lonely and wonder about the future of my marriage. I am also struggling to get my own business off the ground, especially as I don’t know if we’re going to make it as a couple.
Signed,
Neglected in Paradise
Dear Neglected,
Based on your letter, you and your husband would benefit from couples counseling so that you can either find ways to nurture your relationship or decide that this marriage is not worth saving. If he agrees to seek counseling, this would affirm his commitment which is what, I sense, you are wanting from him. It’s worth a try.
Since the only person you have any control over is yourself, I suggest that you focus on your intentions in this relationship – i.e., to be a loving and supportive partner.
It's up to you to figure out how you can demonstrate these intentions by how you treat your husband and even in how you think about him. If you can stop being angry at him for long enough to think of ways that you can show him that you love him and are there for him and hold a vision of him as the great guy you married, I bet that your brief times together would be happier and more loving.
This is about focusing on what you desire, what works and is right. Make a point of acknowledging the good stuff to yourself and to him, however small, because whatever you focus on expands.
Sometimes we drive people away with our resentments and demands when what we really want is a hug. Being the hugger is one way to get hugged. Supporting a loved one sometimes involves letting them make their own mistakes and figuring it out without you.
Focusing on your business sounds like a win-win situation. If your husband is the kind of guy who gets super involved with his work, it would be great if you were happily involved in doing something that brings you joy. Maybe his not being around is exactly the space you need to create your own new business.
Wouldn’t it be great if you were two successful business owners who loved their careers and loved each other and learned how to balance their professional and personal lives so that neither of you felt neglected — and you each had rich and rewarding lives at home and at work?
I’ll hold that vision for you. Keep me posted.
To your happiness,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355 or email her.
