The “MUVAHOOD” exhibit at the Caribbean Museum Center for the Arts in downtown Frederiksted opened to a huge audience on Aug. 31. The show has been captive all month and will close Saturday at 4 p.m.
Every room in the upstairs gallery boasts a breathtaking display of visual art, photographs, and images that are personal to the journey of artist and mother Kayra Clouden, aka KayraJay. Three of the rooms are dedicated to each trimester in her gestation with videos documenting her development into motherhood.
What Comes To Mind When You Think of Motherhood?
Is it the joy that, as women are often told, can only come from raising children? Is it purpose? How about choice, as lawmakers strip women of their reproduction rights? Loneliness that comes with postpartum depression for so many or sacrifice, given the high rate of maternal mortality for Black women?
In this solo exhibition, cultural producer and artist KayraJay allows us to bear witness to her journey to motherhood. For KayraJay, becoming a mother meant risking her life and livelihood; it meant upending the world she had built for herself, forcing her to walk away from the career of her dreams and the idea of romantic partnership she had hoped for.
“’MUVAHOOD’ is an honest and deep expression of the unpredictability of life and the emotional and psychological power of becoming a mother. Through photos, diary entries, and a film in three parts, we experience the remnants of childhood trauma, the yearning for love and partnership, dreams lost, and dreams reborn. We are offered the vulnerability of a young single mother, simultaneously feeling all eyes are on her, yet feeling completely alone, reminiscing on tear-soaked memories and sweet, tender moments with her baby boy.”
In the galleries, a disorienting world filled with both joy and sadness is KayraJay’s “MUVAHOOD”: A journey between the not yet and the no longer inviting us to explore motherhood as the quintessential liminal space,” said Deja Aliyah Belardo, curator
Pregnancy for Kayra was not planned. When she learned that she was pregnant, she was already sad from the news. She hated herself for not doing it the “right way,” she said.
KayraJay’s parents were married. They later divorced when she was 10 years old. Yet, she had a childhood that she would want for her own child. She wanted to be married…not a single mom.
“I felt that I had messed up. It took a long time before I felt OK with the fact that I was pregnant and with my decision to keep my baby. It did not feel good,” she said.
KayraJay had come to a certain place in her life where she was self-sufficient. She had a six-figure income and lived alone in her own apartment. At the age of 25, she was a development producer at Antoinette Media and an associate producer across Paramount Global’s hit franchise show, “Love and Hip-Hop,” and she worked in other creative roles.
KayraJay served independently as creator and executive producer of the award-winning digital series ADULTIN’ on YouTube and curator of the budding non-profit 4 DA BM’S – A safe place to be a Baby Mama in Peace. Additionally, she was pursuing a slew of creative projects. She had “arrived,” and now she felt, “In a single moment, I was reduced to being somebody’s baby mama.”
Everyone was pointing the finger: “What are you doing?” “Why did you keep the baby?” “Why didn’t you use a condom?” “I felt terrible. I wanted the baby. I wanted to feel good about the baby, but I felt terrible about myself. Two trimesters out of the three, I definitely hated myself. It was very dark,” KayraJay said.
The Source asked KayraJay about making the change. “The change is intentional. You have to decide,” she said. “My journal writing would be sad. I said, ‘You have to change…find happiness. I don’t know what you need to do, but go find happy. Go take a walk.’”
KayraJay started walking. She changed the music she was listening to. She grew closer in her spiritual relationship with God. “I’ve always been pretty spiritual, but kind of passively …like, ‘Thank you, God, for another day and then go about my business.’”
“I would wake up in prayer and be in prayer. I would have the Bible out. I was reading Bible verses. I was talking to God every second of the day. ‘Why would you put me in this situation, Dude?’ ‘This is crazy.’ ‘Why do you think this is a bad thing?’ ‘I don’t know, God.’ There would be this back-and-forth banter with God about what was going on. Then, there would be little signs of synchronicity that would make me feel good. I would meet a random worker at a Publix supermarket who would say something that I needed to hear at that moment. I would see something on a billboard, on TikTok or Tweet…different messages, different people, different confirmations that everything is fine. It’s OK.”
KayraJay began leaning into gratitude. She accepted the mold in the house. She and Koa had a house. They had somewhere to sleep. They had food. They ate today. “We bought the plane ticket to St. Croix. Koa is happy. Koa is healthy. Just the little things,” she said.
“I would take Koa to the pediatrician and everything is great. I would go to the doctor. Everything is great. Everything is healthy. Cool! I just had to start appreciating every single speck of life. I quit my job and moved to St. Croix with zero bank account, zero checking account, zero…zero…zero…”
“Yep! I got to the beach today. Koa is at daycare. And before you know it, someone hires me. Look at that! Everything is working out. So, gratitude, God, and giving myself a lot of grace helped me to make the change. And being in a new place. It was peace.”
KayraJay said, “If we have to cry, cry.” She reaches out to her friends. They offer new insights. She’s doing yoga every day. She’s not crying as much. ”I’m not mad at certain things I was mad at before. I just got better!”
KayraJay experienced gestational diabetes during her pregnancy. The diabetes is gone. She goes for follow-ups because she’s prone to Type A and Type B.
“When I got pregnant, I was so sad. I didn’t even have a house for my kid. I look forward to buying a home for Koa. I’m so excited to buy my kid a home. I will be buying one where we can etch his height on some wall. Owning a home signifies stability and security where Koa can always come back to his childhood bedroom when he’s older. I will be buying a home for my kid because God said so. My eyes are on the prize.”
“MUVAHOOD” is the shared talents of Crucian creatives Artist/Producer Kayra Clouden, Curator Deja Belardo and Ryle Watson, maternity shoot photographer. It was Belardo who introduced Kayra to Koa’s father. Belardo is the baby’s godmother.
Belardo (she, they) is a curator and painter based in New York City. They were born and raised on St. Croix and studied political science and writing at Loyola University and are currently completing a degree in art history and visual culture at NYU.
The duality of being an artist and an arts professional allows Belardo to have a dynamic knowledge of how to serve the best interests and growing needs of artists. A combination of museum and private gallery experience has shaped a well-rounded understanding and vision of contemporary arts and culture. Belardo’s goal as a curator is boundary-pushing artists as they establish themselves in the art historical canon, especially those who have been historically marginalized.
Belardo is the assistant curator of Visual Art and Civic Programs at the Shed, NYC. Their professional experience includes the Whitney Museum of American Art, Pace Gallery, and the completion of the Museum Professionals Seminar with the Studio Museum in Harlem.
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For more information:
www.cmcarts.org
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