Dear Coach Paradise,
I am a divorced woman in her 50s who has decided that I will never meet the man of my dreams by watching TV and being self-reliant. So … I have started to emerge and attend events, sit at bars listening to music and brush up on my flirting skills.
I have noticed that the men that I am attracted to are often younger than I am, some more so than others. They seem to be attracted to me too.
I have had relationships with younger men in the past but am questioning myself now. No one thinks anything of a man who has a date, girlfriend or wife 10, 20 or even 30 years his junior. Personally I have always admired Susan Sarandon, not only for her acting and activist credentials, but also for her long-term partner being 12 years her junior. And then there’s Tina Turner! Does the fact that I am neither a star nor super-wealthy mean I shouldn’t find a great young boyfriend, too? I am confused here.
Why do I think most men my age seem old? Should I just get real and accept reality and paunches and wrinkles? Is my attraction to younger men a way to deny my own aging? Maybe all I am asking for is permission to act on my preferences and desires. But why do I need permission anyway, and why do I care what you or anyone else thinks?
Signed,
Looking
Dear Looking,
Congratulations on turning off that TV and emerging to flirt and have fun. Whatever your specific end in mind (a pleasant evening, a date, a relationship), this is a great first step. You are acting in a way that is consistent with what you say you want – to meet the man of your dreams.
Rather than giving yourself a hard time, see this as a great opportunity to look, see and tell the truth. You seem very clear about whom you are attracted to and say you have had relationships with younger men before. So why so defensive now?
Who’s attacking you anyway? You bring up society, and you are right that our culture has always expected men to choose younger partners whereas the older woman/younger man relationship inspires a certain amount of speculation and unkind innuendo (or is it jealously).
I think you need to sort out the different voices here, most of which I would call monkey mind (the internal chatter that sabotages your best efforts to make any real changes in your life and values the status quo above all). The truth is what is true for you.
Are you looking to younger men to make you feel young or do you feel young already and are just looking for an equal partner? Would you spurn a man of your age or older who was energetic, fit and engaged with life? Do you let what other people think of you determine your choices and actions?
There are things to consider should you enter into a long-term relationship with someone much younger than you – Do they want to have children? Will they still love you when you’re 64, 74, 84? Will being at different stages of life bring you closer or further apart? Hard questions to answer but all worth considering. And perhaps love trumps them all. Lust is less lasting but I know you know that.
I would suggest that you picture the qualities you are looking for in the man of your dreams – irrespective of age. Intelligence, humor, energy, adventurous spirit, concern with health and fitness are qualities for life (fill in here with your list). There are plenty of 30-something couch potatoes with beer bellies, and 50- or 60-somethings who run marathons, write masterpieces and whose distinguished maturity might be a turn-on.
You’ll be fine as long as you keep examining your preconceived conclusions.
You can admire Tina Turner and Susan Sarandon, but what I think you admire is their daring and willingness to be true to themselves – not just their younger men.
Here’s to love at any age,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355 or email her.
