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Charlotte Amalie
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MafolieGate Pushback: Interview with Renowned Expert

The recent Source Manager’s Journal column on MafolieGate has been angrily criticized in some quarters. Some of the responses were mean-spirited, including several suggestions that the columnist perform acts that have been proven to be anatomically impossible. But one critique came from the world-renowned political scientist and philosopher, Clarence J. Tews.

After a brilliant academic career at leading universities, Dr. Tews is currently the Senior Scholar in Residence at the right-leaning Fatherland Institute. His most recent book is entitled "Rage, Anger and Revenge: the Bright Future of American Politics." Dr. Tews agreed to a one-on-one interview, and in the interests of fairness and balance, that interview is presented here to Source readers.

Frank Scheiger: Thank you for taking the time from your schedule for this interview.
Dr. Tews: You’re welcome, but the meter is running, so make it snappy.

FS: You were quite critical of “MafolieGate” as it appeared in the St. Thomas Source. Could you summarize your criticisms?
Dr. Tews: Yes, the article was stupid, useless, intellectually shallow and incoherent … the product of a mental midget. It would never pass muster at the Fatherland Institute.

FS: Thank you for not pulling your punches. Were there factual errors in the piece?
Dr. Tews: It was the reliance on facts that made the article so worthless. You must look at the big picture. Facts are the past. They are kaka. It is the big picture that counts today and will count in the future.

FS: So the security fence and the governor’s reputation are not important?
DT: You’re starting to pluck my nerves with your repeated stupid questions. Who cares about a security fence? It could have been a poorly installed porta-potty. Look at the big picture.

FS: Okay, but what is the big picture?
Dr. Tews: I hope they don’t pay St. Thomas Source columnists a lot of money, because, if they do, they are being screwed. The big picture is the need to maintain high levels of anger and rage so that we can have social stability. Then we have to link these levels of anger and rage to short memories about who did what. Haven’t you read my book?

FS: Not yet, but doesn’t the governor’s reputation count for something?
Dr. Tews: This interview is like casting pearls before a swine. I’ll say it once more. You have to think more broadly. Aside from the governor and his family, who cares about his reputation? And look at all of the people who get pleasure from seeing someone’s reputation damaged. As I have written, ruining reputations is a bracing tonic for society. Only one person is hurt, and many feel better about themselves.

FS: Okay, staying with the big picture, why is it necessary to keep these levels of anger and rage so high?
Dr. Tews: A good question, there may be a 15-watt bulb inside your brain after all. As you know, President Reagan pinpointed the source of America’s greatness, the ability of everyone to become a millionaire ….

FS: Whoa, but it is impossible for everyone to become a millionaire.
Dr. Tews: Exactly, and that is the problem that cranking up anger and rage solves. Most people are disappointed and angry. They will never become millionaires, so they need to have an outlet for their frustration. Lotto helps, but it doesn’t solve the problem.

FS: But what does that have to do with the security fence and the governor?
Dr. Tews: Are you taking prescription medications? Of course, it has nothing to do with anything. But we need hooks. Somebody has to be held responsible for everything that has gone wrong. For the good of society, we must make sure that the masses get mad at the right people.

FS: And the right people are?
Dr. Tews: Don’t you watch television? Those who are responsible for our problems, the liberals, immigrants, gay people, food-stamp recipients and governors who put up security fences and don’t follow all of the rules.

FS: But there is no reason to believe that they are responsible for this mess.
Dr. Tews: There you go again with the facts. You keep losing sight of the larger picture. Look at Obama. He is always using facts. What good does it do him? Stop living in the past.

FS: So let me see if I’ve got this straight. We have to blame people who did not cause the mess so that those who did cause it can escape blame and keep doing what they were doing before. We need scapegoats, is that correct?
Dr. Tews: Scapegoat is such a harsh word. But basically, yes, that is what we need. Remember, if our best people, the top 1 percent, are harassed and annoyed or made to feel unappreciated, in the future, they may not be willing to create the excellent jobs that have made the country great.

FS: I hate to say it, but you sound a lot like Glenn Beck.
Dr. Tews: That hurts, but Glenn Beck is a valuable part of the movement.

FS: But Glenn Beck is an imbecile, isn’t he?
Dr. Tews: Unfortunately that is true. Glenn Beck will never be a senior fellow at the Fatherland Institute. But, once again, you are lacking the right perspective. Glen Beck is an imbecile who makes $40 million a year. Let’s say that you are not an imbecile, just a moron or a cretin. When you listen to Glen Beck, wouldn’t you think that you are worth at least $50 million a year? So he gives birth to little Becks all over the place, and that is why you have MafolieGate. It’s the new American dream.

FS: But isn’t this bad for society?
Dr. Tews: Only for the bottom 99 percent. And don’t forget, many of them get a chance to be angry, blow off steam and go to a tea party. One of the great things about outrage is that it is light work. You can attack someone’s character, spread misinformation, feel superior and still go to your job the next day without being fatigued. What could be better? And studies done at the Fatherland Institute show that spreading false rumors and stirring hatred and contempt for certain groups helps keep our society humming along.

FS: Thank you for your time Dr. Tews. Is there anything else you would like to add?
Dr. Tews: Just tell them to send someone who is a little quicker on the uptake next time. And I’d like to give a shout-out to my homeys in Milwaukee.

End of the interview.

Editor’s note: Any resemblance to individuals or institutions, living or dead, including Dr.Tews and the Fatherland Institute, is purely coincidental. Dr. Tews is a figment of the author’s imagination.

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