Dear Coach Paradise,
I have been dating a guy for a little over a month, and we have a good time together and are hanging out more and more. I like him a lot, but I am not sure I want to be in a long-term serious relationship with anyone right now, and I’m not sure it would be him anyway. He gave me a beautiful gold necklace for my birthday. I love it, but I am feeling uncomfortable and kind of pressured to take this to a place I’m not sure I want to go. Should I keep the necklace or not. He says no strings attached and my friends think I’m nuts for even thinking about returning it (it’s a gorgeous David Yurman heart). I’d like to keep seeing him and am a little afraid he’d see my returning the gift as goodbye. I’m confused. Help.
Confused in Paradise
Dear Confused,
I applaud you for listening to your “inner guidance system” and honoring your feelings. You are one smart cookie. I don’t think you are confused at all – not really.
What others are telling you and a hot shiny piece of bling are conspiring to get you to ignore what you know to be true – for you. Emily Post or some more current dating guru might have a rule for what kind of gift to accept under what circumstances, but what it boils down to is how you feel. The fact that you are confused and conflicted about accepting a piece of expensive jewelry from a man with whom you have a new and undefined relationship means that you need to do something that will allow you to feel good about yourself. In coaching language this would lead to your being in alignment – which means acting in accordance with your beliefs, values and feelings; having integrity.
Notice I didn’t say what you should do. I have total confidence that you are up to figuring this out. Telling him that you’re not ready for the kind of relationship that usually goes along with this kind of gift would be an opening to have an honest conversation. What would come of that conversation is up for grabs – both in terms of the relationship and in terms of the necklace. What isn’t up for grabs is being true to you.
If you are true to yourself and your actions reflect your truth, you have nothing to worry about – many hearts will be attracted to yours, and you’ll know when the bling is the real thing – for you.
Best Wishes,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355 or email her.
