Dear Coach Paradise,
I read your column every week and took your last one about "decluttering" to heart. I live in a studio apartment and am feeling suffocated by my stuff. I have gone through my closets, thrown out items I know I will never wear and actually have hung what remains in the same direction – we’ll see what 20 percent of my clothes I wear 80 percent of the time.
I have gone through my books and some papers and have been able to pare down some, but I have things that I know I should part with but just can’t let go.
I have bank and credit card statements going back at least 10 years because I once missed out on a class action suit because I had thrown away the boarding pass I needed to participate.
I am a writer and have notebooks and copies of magazines and newspapers containing my articles (four copies of each) going back to forever. The list goes on. Why am I having such a hard time downsizing?
I feel a pang in there. I feel how tightly I am holding on, and it doesn’t feel right to me. I know the feeling of cleaning out and embarking on a new adventure. I am more stable right now and don’t want to give everything away and set sail, but I do want to feel lighter and create more space in my world. I will take my answer off the air.
Signed,
Hold on Tight
Dear Hold on Tight,
Thank you for your loyal readership and congratulations on having started to declutter your life. I acknowledge you for noticing where the resistance is occurring. Observing your actions and feelings is the route to debunking outworn habits (as well as jeans) and sweeping out the closets of your mind and heart.
When I picture you holding on tight, I get a couple of images: white knuckling it out of fear you will fall off and clutching things to your breast as if dropping them or allowing them to be taken away will leave you exposed and vulnerable.
It is worth taking the time to look closely at these pictures (fill in your own images here) to ask if your fears are really true. For example, that you will fall over and get hurt if you relax your grip or that you will be a victim of the elements should you let go of whatever you are clutching.
I know there are financial experts (ex: CPAs) who can tell you exactly how long you need to hold onto your statements for tax purposes. The fact that you can get so many statements online might make this redundant. Your fear of missing out on a class action boon might require a folder for boarding passes but again the statues of limitations would suggests a cutoff point. I know you can create some extra file cabinet space and more importantly let go of the anxiety that is generated at the thought of being caught unprepared.
Clearing out your writing or any evidence of your creativity is always harder. I know you want to keep a copy (or 2) for posterity and for your scrapbook. Remember you can always make copies as needed! You may have journals that you plan to use in your next novel or book of short stories.
What I keep thinking here is that holding onto stuff of any kind (emotional included) is coming from a place of lack – of scarcity. We hold on because we think that we need these trapping to be whole and complete, and that we will be less of who we are without them.
I wonder if reaffirming our amazing powers of ongoing creativity and our ability to constantly generate new ideas and their material manifestations would free us from the need to hold on.
What if you were actively writing and creating new articles and books all the time and this new stuff was what really turned you on, and you were so excited about what you just sent off this morning and planned to write tomorrow. How would that feel and how would it alter your feelings about the drawer full of old stuff?
Holding on has to do with our fear that we will be less, or different, if we let go. I imagine it’s also our wish to remember and be remembered – it’s our evidence, our trace left behind. There are always storage lockers and digital versions of microfiche. Why I’ll that bet all your writing would fit on the head of a pin.
Wishing you lightness and space,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355 or email her.
